i just want to spend the next year of my life doing things. actually living. getting up and going to the gym, enjoying people’s company, drinking a little more, learning a little more, and hell, maybe even getting some tattoos.
i feel like there’s just so many little things i miss out on when i spend my weekends sitting on my couch and sleeping until 11am every day. i just want to do more.
and i know i’ve said that about once a week, but hopefully this time it sticks.
because it’s cool to be cool sometimes. and to pretend to be someone you’re not. don’t like something about yourself, change it, right?
well, there’s this.
the most lovably weird thing.
dating your best friend. that is all.
but in all seriousness, it’s beautiful and wonderful and weird. there are very few people i trust and care about more. it just makes sense.
gets me every time.
a word of advice…
i don’t care who you are or who you’re making out with…don’t ever lay in a bed for over 12 hours.
what could be the highlight of my summer: getting to sit down at dinner with this guy.
you know i like my chicken fried.
i’ve said multiple times in the past week that something in my life needs to change. by no means am i flying off the tracks because i have no tracks, but i’m just not committing to things like i used to. i’ve told myself every week since spring break that, “this is going to be the week i start going to the gym and running every day.” to this day, i haven’t gone consistently. not even a full week. i tell myself i’m going to commit to studying for this test and doing this work well in advance. i keep debating about what to do about this girl. the worst part is i’m engaging in insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result.
i did wake up oddly energized this weekend and didn’t understand why, but still nothing had changed. today was weird for me, though. it started with a dream. continued with a double forfeit to put our IM soccer team into the championship game without a playoff game and then i was oddly asked to formal out of the blue. i went to the gym and i came back and did something i have never done before: i took a chance without anyone holding my hand and telling me to do it. i requested an audience for the heck of it.
it may not seem extraordinary to anyone else or had anyone else done it, but for me, that’s a sadly big step. not asking for advice. not having someone approve my idea. just going for it. it was liberating and i got the response i was hoping for.
take chances. things work out.
the best advice i’ve ever heard came from my cross country coach by way of yogi berra, “if there’s a fork in the road, take it.” similarly, i say if there’s a choice, make it. don’t be indifferent and think about things. just make the choice. whatever happens, happens. today, i think i’m making the choice to be a better me.
there’s so much left in the air.
something needs to change about life. this just isn’t working anymore.
goal for the summer: EMT.
goal before graduation: paramedic.
time and time again.
“time and time again we fall into the depths of who we are
but you can’t keep running away from what you’re trying to find.”
1. this is my jam. hype much?
2. why can’t i live like this?
sunny spring days.
it’s these days i hate the most. the days that leaving the gym weighs multitudes more than the fact i haven’t been in a while. the days that turn a 5 minute walk into a 15 minute walk because i remember what i was doing years ago, and what i could still be doing now.
i ask myself every day what i’m going to end up doing with my life and the answer always comes out, “i don’t know.” one minute it’s going to law school, the next minute i’m totally down for slicing into people’s brains. i might’ve known the answer had i made the choice, i might’ve had more drive to get there. of course, there are no guarantees, but there would’ve been hope. a glimpse of an idea of where my life might lead…
then again, i could’ve ended up in the same way there as here, except eight hours from home and not nearly in a place i would want to be with even less options available. it’s not about the fact i ended up where i am, it’s about the fact i gave up something else. i can’t argue i would’ve been better off somewhere else.
i miss those days every day. i talk like an old man, in the prime of my life nonetheless, because i just don’t know where i’m going. there’s no goal. there’s no light at the end of the tunnel to work towards. i’m at the point where i don’t care because i’m just going to take the best option and go with it no matter what it may be.
i just don’t like these days.