just gonna go ahead and say it’s a pretty good anthem for what i feel this year should be like…
i dreamed of you a second time…
…but this time you lived. and when i asked someone what to make of it, their freudian interpretation told me to call you to make sure you were okay. instead, i’m here writing this and contemplating actually getting lunch with you fully knowing that it would be weird.
what would we talk about? would we talk? i have no idea. i’ve never been so relaxed around someone before. you’re probably that way with everyone, though. it’s who you are.
but i miss your dog. and i miss your mom and dad. i miss having peace. i miss the days we were the only two people who mattered in the world.
"but if you never try, you’ll never know…"
i just want to spend the next year of my life doing things. actually living. getting up and going to the gym, enjoying people’s company, drinking a little more, learning a little more, and hell, maybe even getting some tattoos.
i feel like there’s just so many little things i miss out on when i spend my weekends sitting on my couch and sleeping until 11am every day. i just want to do more.
and i know i’ve said that about once a week, but hopefully this time it sticks.
because it’s cool to be cool sometimes. and to pretend to be someone you’re not. don’t like something about yourself, change it, right?
well, there’s this.
the most lovably weird thing.
dating your best friend. that is all.
but in all seriousness, it’s beautiful and wonderful and weird. there are very few people i trust and care about more. it just makes sense.
gets me every time.
a word of advice…
i don’t care who you are or who you’re making out with…don’t ever lay in a bed for over 12 hours.
what could be the highlight of my summer: getting to sit down at dinner with this guy.
you know i like my chicken fried.
i’ve said multiple times in the past week that something in my life needs to change. by no means am i flying off the tracks because i have no tracks, but i’m just not committing to things like i used to. i’ve told myself every week since spring break that, “this is going to be the week i start going to the gym and running every day.” to this day, i haven’t gone consistently. not even a full week. i tell myself i’m going to commit to studying for this test and doing this work well in advance. i keep debating about what to do about this girl. the worst part is i’m engaging in insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result.
i did wake up oddly energized this weekend and didn’t understand why, but still nothing had changed. today was weird for me, though. it started with a dream. continued with a double forfeit to put our IM soccer team into the championship game without a playoff game and then i was oddly asked to formal out of the blue. i went to the gym and i came back and did something i have never done before: i took a chance without anyone holding my hand and telling me to do it. i requested an audience for the heck of it.
it may not seem extraordinary to anyone else or had anyone else done it, but for me, that’s a sadly big step. not asking for advice. not having someone approve my idea. just going for it. it was liberating and i got the response i was hoping for.
take chances. things work out.
the best advice i’ve ever heard came from my cross country coach by way of yogi berra, “if there’s a fork in the road, take it.” similarly, i say if there’s a choice, make it. don’t be indifferent and think about things. just make the choice. whatever happens, happens. today, i think i’m making the choice to be a better me.
there’s so much left in the air.
something needs to change about life. this just isn’t working anymore.
goal for the summer: EMT.
goal before graduation: paramedic.
time and time again.
“time and time again we fall into the depths of who we are
but you can’t keep running away from what you’re trying to find.”